Ignorance is bliss…

I’m sitting at a starbucks reviewing old notes and trying to take in as much information as possible regarding “Finance Operations Management,” because I have a job interview for this position tomorrow and… this particular person walks in an orders a coffee for herself…. “Can I.. I.. I.. order one pound of Moroccan Fresh Coffee Been? One pound of Brazilian Decaf Roasted Beans? and.. and… and.. I think that’s it… She said it in a loud innocent voice… She then says to herself, “I just ordered coffee for myself… I really did…” she then proceeds to call someone on her cell phone: Proudly she boast, “Sam, I just ordered coffee for myself, I’m so so so proud of myself.” I and everyone else in the shop can hear her conversation with this other person on the phone, but we don’t say anything: Infact, we don’t even pay any attention. We know what’s going on and we try to act as normal as possible… It’s none of my business, but I’m so proud of her. Stepping out of her comfort zone and ordering coffee for herself…. At the same time, it reinforces my belief, “ignorance really is bliss.” You and everyone in their right mind knows, when you  act exuberantly in a public area, people will take notice.” Not only will people take notice, but they will talk and if they don’t talk about it, their minds will process what they witness…. It’s human character. It’s not purposely done, but it just happens. That’s why I like being around innocent people or people who aren’t tainted by society’s pig headed, narrow minded, egotistical judgement…. I don’t know why, but I like people acting on their free will…

to be continued..

On another note, I just go a phone call for a job interview for the Financial Operations Manager position. I don’t know what to do because I have a job interview for a job position at the HSBC bank on the 13th. I was thinking that maybe this Financial Operations Manager position could be home based. That way, I can work in the bank teller position during the day and the Financial Operations Manager position in the evening. Kind of have my own home office. Both of these jobs are generously paid, around the 60’s range. Together, I would be generating $120,000 a year, plus a family business, which I would expect to generate $120,000 a year as well. In addition, I would be generating a 5% fixed income if I leverage my $7,000,000 home down to earn a 5% return (which would all go towards mortgage). Therefore, 5%of $7,000,000 would generate a $350,000 return geared towards mortgage. Then I would be able to afford to open up a non profit rice manufacturing company in vietnam. I would pay for the operational cost with my salary and donate all the rice to orphanages, temples, hospitals and etc…

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I’m going crazy..

I can’t live in this place anymore. It’s like jail. Fuck! I carried the weight of this family for more than half my life: When I was in the final year of junior high, my dad lost all his money and had to sell the house to pay off his debt. Then he moved the family all the way across the ocean to a place we didn’t know anybody so he could do his fishing. Fine! Then because it was so boring, he and my mom started going to the casino everyday and lost all his money again. Then we he started trafficking narcotics. After trafficking narcotics, he became an addict. He then abandoned the family and surrounded himself with junkies, which then I had to support the family. Eventually we all got busted and guest what? I took the blame-not only that, but I was involved in a near fatal car accident months prior to my convictions. Because my car was totaled,  I got $28000 of its salvage value. I had the IQ of a fourth grader-I didn’t know any better, I handed over $28000 to my parents. Then went back to the Island and bought a small restaurant for a very good deal. After operating the restaurant for a while, another business opportunity came up. A friend of my dads’ got into a fight with his business partner, so his business partner pull all his investment out of the company. So he asked my dad to work with him. Things went well for a while and when they saved up a little bit of cash, they packed up and moved to the big city. Eventually, things went well for them they attained success. I eventually completed graduates school and moved back with the family. My mom says she has some kind of liver disease and is afraid she’s not going to make it. But the bitch has said that since 2003. Nothing’s happen. She’s still doing very well. Now I have a lifetime of an opportunity to move on with my life. I got an offer to work at a bank in the big apple, but I can’t go because I have no money… I just want my parents to give me back my money so that I can finally live my life the way that it was always deemed to be… Fuck! That’s all that I want… I don’t want to surround myself with these bastards… They’re evil… They’re illogica pieces of shit.. I hope the all rot in hell..

 

“Notting Hill”

I haven’t been on this site for ages and I thought that my day on here have been limited, but the recent events lately have led me to believe there’s no-one else or nothing else out there for me to vent. I’ve… I’m a bit confused. For over half my life, I’ve been living at the epitome of society and I was okay with that. It took me a long time to finally come to terms with my tragic life and accept it as it is, but I finally did. I went on with living meagrely and I accepted all the taunts and insults, but then she came along. Right when I least expected and from someone whom I least expected to feel this from. I think I love her or I think I’m in-love with the thought of her. The thought that a girl who flew tens of thousands of kilometers, half way around the globe and met me. I don’t know. I’m a bit confused. There’s so much I want to do with my life, so many places I want to go, so may people I want to meet and some many things I want to experience. I don’t want to live my life wondering what could’ve been if I did something differently or if I did something I wanted. I want to know that my life is what I’ve always intended it to be. I don’t want to go through life regretting my fate. I’ve been through so much shit in my life because of the people in my surrounding lack understanding and moral. I resent them for denying me the right to live my life as I want. I resent them for burdening me with their mistakes. I resent them for betraying me…

 

“I’m also just a girl, standing in-front of a boy, asking him to love her”

I don’t know anymore..

I probably deleted all my friends on wordpress or all of them left me because.. well, because I don’t come on as much anymore. I use this site as a place to vent or simply to express my mood. It’s pretty boring if you ask me, but “Oh Well.” Not much has been going on with my life since I moved back with the family, but I’m all that will change when I move out (again). My life has been… stagnant. I don’t do anything, I don’t go anywhere and I definitely have nothing to look forward to anymore. I can’t bare this any longer. I’m going crazy. I can’t put into words the things that go through my mind on a daily basis, but… I guess you could say I’m resentful. I resent my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sister in-laws and. so forth… I resent them for using me, stealing from me, being jealous of me and taking advantage of me when I was drunk. I lost everything in my car accident and

So, the wedding finally happened last Saturday and the months & months of preparing had reaped it’s rewards. The drinking, eating and dancing was splendid. Everyone had a wonderful time. Of course, in the midst of all the laughing and dancing, an ounce of sorrow overcame me. As I looked around at all the surrounding tables, with couples dressed up in their best attire, I wept at my own circumstance. Nearly 40 years old and nothing to show for. For nearly 18 years of my life, I’ve been carrying the weight of my family on my shoulders. I want to finally be able to live my life the way I had always planned. I had lost everything meaningful in my life in my car accident, but I never gave up, slowly I built myself up again. As hard as it was, I continued in my pursuit. I arduously built myself up with blood and sweat, from the bottom back up again. My situation sometimes called for a miracle to happen because I knew I alone couldn’t do it and sometimes, in dire situations, sudden rays of hope did revealed itself. When all my opportunities seem to have diminished and my savings dried up, I got hired as a medical assistant. But even that was short lived. I had no car, no phone, barely any money, no friend and no family, in a way, I was a free soul-free from any attachment.

What do you do with a lingering heart? Based on Leonard & Penny`s relationship on the big bang theory

All relationships end. Even with mother`s, father`s, sister`s, brother`s or whatever; all relationships end. However, how would you feel if you`ve just recently broken up with your girlfriend (the girl who you`ve been living with and almost married) and saw her on a date while you were out with your friends. How are you supposed to feel or react? I cringe at that idea, to once have shared my life with someone and now seeing that person in another man`s arm. The feelings and emotions clutter up in you like helium blown into a balloon to the point of explosion. The anguish, the agony and the pain seem to all multiply as the seconds pass. Tears well up your eyes, but nothing drops because any sign of emotional anguish would just show weakness in you. So you fester up and tell yourself “I must be a man. I must show my strength. She’s a beautiful girl, but she’s no longer your girl.” But the emotions are overwhelming and you can’t hide it anymore, so you… drink up, you ingest all the alcohol like a sink draining out water -hoping and praying by the end of the night you would be so drunk your heart would be numb enough to not feel anything anymore.

To be continued..

If you love someone, let them go, if they come back it was meant to be, if they don’t, be happy they were in your life for that moment in time…

My Sassy Girl played by Jesse Bradford and Elisha Cuthbert

I know this sounds cliché, but… this movie is the symbolism of true love and destiny. This one particular quote comes to mind when issues regarding love comes up, “If you love someone, let them go, if they come back, it was meannt ot to be, if they don’t, be happy they were in your life for that moment of time; Time and distance is a test of this and will always be if love prevails.
They parted ways after they had met because she had a lot of issues going on in her life and wanted to focus her time in resolving them before starting anything new. He, on the other hand, had never felt love before and she felt like she was worth the risk. Nevertheless, they talked about it and both agreed to part ways, but before parting, they both wrote in a letter everything they felt in their hearts, buried it and promised not to come back or see one another for a whole year. When the day came, they parted ways, not knowing if they’ll see one another again. Well, at least that’s what she thought. He on the other hand, came back to that very spot everyday to make sure everything remains as it did the day they parted. Even when there was a storm and the tree’s in the area were blown down, he began planting new ones. He continued to go there everyday, eagerly waiting to reunite with her. Then when the day came, she never showed up… A little while later, he decided to go on a date arranged by his aunt and there she was… Surprisingly, his aunt wanted him to date again and decided to set him up with a friend and guess what… it was the same girl.. So it goes to show, if it was meant to, things will eventually be…

the age old question “do you stay with the one you can live with or go for the one you can’t live without”

I wonder from time to time about this issue and I’m stuplified by my personal response. Sometimes the one you can live with is also the one you can’t live without, it’s just that you aren’t aware of it yet. As how it’s always been, love grows through time. This is true and will always be valid as long as time because only through time will you be able to see the revelation of that person’s demeanor. When I was involved in a car accident in 97, I lost everything meaningful in my life. I was at the epitome of life. Not only did I lose everything, but my very own family capitalized on my loss. Shortly after my revival, I pleaded guilty to a pending charge-not because I was guilty, but because I needed the rest and rehabilitate without any disruption. I needed time to heal without any worries. Nevertheless, even without the worry of pending legal battles, I still faced personal dilema. I had all my personal belongings stolen from people I trusted, and to make matters worse, I later filed for bankruptcy. Even more, the only person in the world who could stop me from crying became the one person who made me cry-the love of my life left me when I needed her most. But the turmoil didn’t end there, my family capitalized on my loss, I took the blame for the family when our house got raided, it was my money to start over again when the family went bankrupt, I got blamed when my brothers robbed drug dealers, I was sobotage when my brother’s friend was busted growing weed, I was blamed when a family member took advantage of me when I was drunk, my family used my knowledge to open up a cabinet company, they used my knowledge to open up a travel agency and what do I get, yada. The only person in the family who continued to better himself through education and legit work: Yet, the only person who’s life remains idle…. WTF…

What to do…

I don’t know if it’s just the mood of today or not, but I’m feeling a bit… restless… I’m 37 years old this year and I’m no-where I want to be in-life.At the age of 18, I was successful well, not successful, but set. Actually, set isn’t the right word, I was sure of myself. I had a good job, I had good money, I had a beautiful & loving girlfriend and I was sure of myself. I was certain of my choices in-life and I was confident with the people who were in my life. Yet, I wasn’t happy. I don’t know why, but I felt or I knew that there was more to life than… money or power. In a way, I wanted out. I wanted to get out of my old life and start a new one, but I didn’t know how or why. I prayed to the buddha every morning and every night, asking for a change or for something to let me know that there was more to life than simply what I saw or knew. In a way, I prayed for the accident to happen, I just never knew the change I prayed for came at a very high price. My parents weren’t in the best of condition and I knew that if change didn’t come, something bad would’ve happened. I’m the oldest child of four and I felt that it was my responsibility to take the wrath for the family. I just felt that if change didn’t happen, our family was headed to misfortune. Then the day when change happened, I lost everything and when I say everything, I don’t just mean my belongings, but I literally mean everything-My health, my consciousness, my mentality, my love, my pride and my consciousness. I hit rock bottom. So, in essence, the change that I prayed for did happen…

Cho Nguoi from Nhu Quynh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HwBLqO-8hU

This is an old song from one of my favorite vietnamese singers. I heard this song for the first time nearly 20 years ago and felt compelled to it because of the intrinsic meaning behind the words. Not only until after my near fatal car accident that I fell in love with this song…

After I left the love of my life leave me, I was left all alone. I felt alone, ashamed, unworthy and abandoned all at the same time. It felt like the world had moved on without me, but I wasn’t going to lay down and wither away like the pebbles of sand on a windy day. I then tried day in and day out to get back on my feet, hoping that one day, I would regain everything I lost and get back the love of my life. Everytime I made progress, I thought to myself, “I’m one step closer to getting back my lost love,” and that was what kept me strong through-out the years. The thought of one day being back with the only one I ever loved kept my strong. So I struggled, persevered and overcame every obstacle I was confronted with, and in the back of my mind, I longed for that day to come… That’s why this song is so deep to me, it reveals everything in my heart I never dared to express….

to be continued..